New mom - Who am I?

It was a quiet morning. I was sitting on my screened terrace holding a large cup of coffee and looking to the parking lot and all the people rushing to work. How lucky are they – that thought crossed my mind for a millisecond and vanished into the fresh morning air.

It has been more than three years that I had that same routine every morning. Drag myself out of bed, put on some elegant clothes and high heels and rapidly head to the office. Someone, looking at me now, would think that I am enjoying a lovely morning while others have their stressful jobs to go to. That someone probably wouldn’t have noticed that I am not holding a cup but a plastic container with coffee, that I shouldn’t even be up if I don’t need to go to work, and that I have forgotten to walk in high heels and swapped them for some comfortable sleepers and snickers. I use to be half my current size and was turning heads when I walked down the street. I always had a stylish fresh hairdo instead of crunches and hairbands and my nails were a piece of art. But back then I was poor and alone, and now I am the richest women alive. At least that is how I feel most of the time. There are only a few moments in a month, like the one I am having now looking at all those people rushing to work, when I miss my old life. And it all started when I become a mom.

My wealth is unmeasurable, but to put some perspective into it here is the short version. My older baby boy has just turned two and is in a NO faze. He is extremely tall foe his age, almost a full meter, and is almost exhausting combination of intelligence and stubbornness. My baby girl has just turned five months and is like a little doll that you just want to hold and play with, at least until the other kid doesn’t tell you to put her down. But she is rather attached to me – my little sticker. I love them both enormously, but as I finish my double dose of caffeine at six in the morning, I can’t but wonder if I should put myself first more. What is a good balance of being a mom and being just me?

And then I started thinking – who am I now?

I am a MOM! That is my first, my most and my beautiful self. There are no compromises when it comes to my wealth and that is something I always have energy for.

I am LOVE. I use to be just  ”love of his life”. Now, I am “love, can you help me…”, “love, where is…”, “love, are have you finished…” etc. There is always a wagon or two behind that locomotive that got me my MOM status. 

I am COLLEAGUE… At least I was before my maternity leave. I was responsible, meticulous and reliable. I had enormous energy for handling projects, clients and their requests, but at the same time I had a lot of hobbies and balanced the stress out. If I have to be MOM, and LOVE and COLLEAGUE at the same time, and that time had to be now, I think that I wouldn’t have the energy for all three as I did before, and that bothers me a little. But I can only wave the last car goodbye as it leaves the parking lot, and spread my arms to hug my kid as he crawls into my lap. When they are older, there will be more chances for the third me to bloom.

I am a FRIEND. I can’t remember the last time I went out on the town, or just for a glass of wine. All my single friends are friends no more. Luckily, I have several MOM FRIENDS, COLLEAGUE FRIENDS, and MOM COLLEAGUE FRIENDS that can understand these big changes in my life. And it is a blessing. Sometimes all you need is for someone to say – Yes, I know. Yes I understand. I have been there. Even if it is once in few months.

I am ME? In a way, yes I am still ME. I still love to read books, even though I fall asleep on the second page every evening. My walls are decorated with my paintings, but I haven’t held a brush in 5 years. Volleyball, swimming, shooting, dancing were just some of sports that I went to. Nowadays I can’t make myself to go for a short walk. I use to travel at least twice a year, now I travel twice a month but to the pediatrician. Basically, ma former ME is now a hidden shadow, waiting to emerge and reclaim some of its former glory. But even when it happens it will be only one fifth of what it was before, as it should be.

When I get a big hug, and a big smile, when they sleep in my arms and ask for a piece of chocolate before lunch… everything else disappears. And for them – I am EVERYTHING!